im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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