they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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