At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
