What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
