I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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