Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
