Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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