Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
