the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
