my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
