there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
