I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
