I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
