I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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