Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
