Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
