"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
