my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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