spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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