you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
