My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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