"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
