Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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