I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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