I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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