I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
