Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
