if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
