it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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