then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My balls are so social today.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
