Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
