but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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