Barsexuality is the new black.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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