I can text with my tongue
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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