$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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