Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
