can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
