I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
