my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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