you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
