shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
