Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
