i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
