there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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