Your face is a jimmy john
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
