Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
