I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
