Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
