It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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