dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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