Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
