you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
