True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
