I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Blow job season was short but glorious.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
