I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
