So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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