like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
