You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
