if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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